Can you dig it?!

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:02:27 GMT

So you know those days when everything just goes wrong and you think, "Wow this is probably the worst day ever, nothing is going to go right."
I feel like I have those days almost every other day.
Halloween was a fucking bomb.
Then every little thing went wrong today: bad sub, awful traffic that kept me delayed for 3 hours with no gas, shirts (that I've been waiting for 2 weeks for) that are the wrong size that I need for tomorrow coming in the mail, my godfather who is fucking awesome has leukemia, and I left out so many things I can't even begin to describe it. All the little things just led up to one huge thing. And I'm fucking pissed and I'm fucking sad and I just want everything to be the same way it was yesterday when I didn't know that all this shit was going wrong.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 02:44:38 GMT

Stress from school is awful, especially since we STILL haven't had a break.
Work makes me tired too.
I want a day off reaaaal bad.

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 04:34:33 GMT

Do you ever feel like you sabotage every good thing you have going in your life? And then you think that you have a purpose for doing so, but that purpose is sooooo fucked up you can't even admit it to yourself.

And at this point I'm so sorry that every time we're together I start crying.
And I can never tell you why.
I feel like I'm tearing us apart.
I'm sorry I behave like this, but sometimes I just feel so frustrated with you.
You just don't try hard enough to be there for me.

Its so fucking scary what I think and do sometimes.

I'm sorry.

I do want to be with you.

I just wish you knew how to be in a relationship.

Or rather, I wish I knew how to tell you all of this so I don't have to lie about why I'm in such a sour mood every time something goes wrong.

And then its fucked up that I feel bad later and I'm all worried about you leaving me.

You should feel bad, you should make me feel better, I should feel good all the time and not feel stupid about things that I say to you.

I just want you to understand so bad and you don't and I'm not a good person, but I deserve at least a little something.

And you see you just texted me that Liverpool beat Manchester
And I can't help but love you, and forget about what happened.

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 23:52:02 GMT

Haven't updated on much lately.
Six flags, was awesome there were no lines at the rides and Kevin went on every one with me.
A few days ago, was awesome, lets just say I managed to spice things up.
Dinner and hookah bar with Kyle, was amazing (and oh so scary), he also got me cigarettes
School is going well, straight A's so far, like you could expect any less.
Tracy and I have new digital pets, and we're talking about "quivering members" and "simbaaaa" in funny voices.
Is there anywhere to get Uno Moo?
Work is difficult with the ankle that I sprained on my birthday.
It looked really cool all swollen and whatnot.
I got my paycheck and made $1.37, but my dad gave me 40 bucks for the week.
I need to get some stuff online.
I love Kevin, I miss seeing him as much as I used to cause he has stupid work.
<3
Life is GUUUTTTT

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 03:23:39 GMT

Ok, so I saw this on a website and I thought it was hilarious
Apparently this one diet rule not only makes you fit
But also makes you black.
The reverse should be true also.

Not a good night.

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 03:18:43 GMT

The one thing that I want more than anything is for you to feel what you put me through. I can only make empty threats, since you can ruin me and probably come home just to beat me up some more. Sometimes all I want is to choke all of the air out of your lungs, but I know that would be too good for you. If you were dead you would just keep getting away with what you did, you would never be able to admit it. I would never be able to see tears stream down your face as you lost everything because of what you did to me. I would never see a sick smile remain on your face when you were finally caught, a sick fucking smile that says you did it because you love me. You didn't, don't, never will, and I will NEVER allow you to love me. What more can I do to get this off of my mind? You made me into a victim, and this time, how can I forget when I don't have the drugs that I used to? How can I make it better. Drinking doesn't work, because I can't control my idiocy when I'm drunk, at least when I was high I could control it. At least I could be high all the time, and at least I was able to almost completely erase all of the other sexual assaults from my mind. The only things it cost me to erase those memories were the erasure of my good memories, the trust of my friends and family, and sometimes my very sanity. That seems like a fair trade off, right? I'm not sure what I would rather have, no memories at all, or having all my memories stored-both good and bad- to live with and suffer through eternally. Now I have no choice but to live through the latter, and I blame you. I blame you more than anyone else who assaulted me because I genuinely believed at one point that you would never do something like that. I guess I was wrong. Let's see what else I can stand to be wrong about thanks to you.

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 14:25:02 GMT

Hello, huge fuckin idiot.
Ugh, again we had another bad conversation all because he was high and pretty much fell completely asleep on me, like, right when we were talking about, you know. And he understood, at first, but then everything came up. He told me he's not used to this added stress. He told me he wants to see Schultz more, and that its not fair that I don't want to hang out with him. Maybe I am being stupid,but I can't help it, I don't like when he's around Schultz. And I mean, if he needs a few days away from me, whatever, I mean being attached at the hip works for awhile until it really just doesn't. I already want just a girls night for me and Tracy, he can see Schultz that night, or whoever else he wants to see. He can smoke as much as he wants, I just don't wanna be around it. Or have him fall asleep on me when we were going to have sex. Its just that one thing, I don't think I'm asking too much, I'm not asking him to stop its too much for him. And I don't wanna be this stupid damsel in distress bitch that he thinks he needs to protect, I'm clearly not. I'm really just afraid that he won't be mature enough to work this out. Cause I want it to work out. For once, I'm not confused about it, I really just want it to work out, he treats me real good. I just think that he doesn't put up any fight, that might be why I'm so mean to him sometimes. I just want him to stand up for himself.

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 14:24:22 GMT

"What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing, baby, you're perfect."

=]

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 07:31:11 GMT

There's only so many people you can rip the biggest fart in front of and they'll still want you.
I love you baby.

Lol.

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:32:39 GMT

Soooo a lot more people are being invited to SF than I had wanted, esp since I really didn't want to spend the day with a bunch of high people. But I guess I can't do anything about it even though its my day, too. Fuckin blah.

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 22:57:56 GMT

Fuckin Guten Tag!

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 01:16:23 GMT

So nothing new has really happened lately, I got a hair cut and I started classes. I like most of them but the work is kind of overwhelming after doing nothing for a whole summer. I need to quit smoking and next month is my birthday and my year and a half clean off heroin.

I'm really happy where I am. I'm still dating Kevin and everythings good, probably better than it has been because I told him not to smoke in front of me anymore and so far he hasn't.

I need to talk to Kyle so I invited him over on thursday.
I guess I did need to talk to him after the thing happened but I still won't say what happened, not really a full story, not to anyone, not at anytime. But he did say he wanted me to tell him what happened to me.

So I guess I need to talk to him about that. I guess I need to talk to him, but I'm not sure. I thought it would be better if we were apart and he wasn't even my friend so there wouldn't be any temptation.

As it turns out, cutting him out of my life causes me more bad than good.
I need him as a friend. I can tell by this nagging in the back of my head, and how bad it hurts.
However, for once, I honestly don't trust myself.

And I know thats the only thing people will see
even when I tell you without a doubt that
ich liebe mein freunde.
And I will never hurt him. Not ever.

When they come knocking on your heart's door...

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 00:33:56 GMT

It's punches pulled not towels thrown in.

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 06:49:19 GMT

I feel like my arms are being pulled incessantly in an endless game of tug o' war.

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 03:21:11 GMT

My kitchen is being redone, wouldn’t be a great problem if I wasn’t a fan of food.
We were limited to the microwave, and perhaps the grill for some cooking of food.
I went downstairs to make a small cup of noodles, fair, right?
I don’t eat a lot, but when I do eat, I want something good, even something decent.
So I turn and put it in the microwave and it doesn’t work.
The microwave broke.
I couldn’t stop laughing.
I made chocolate milk instead.
God forbid the fridge should break.

And Killer is sick again. Honestly, I think Tracy is right, men don't know how to handle pain. He would rather listen to his mum and stay cooped up in his bedroom than stay cooped up in a bedroom with me. Goddamn, show some incentive.

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 06:58:59 GMT

I feel like my job is making other people feel better.

His sorrow is no different than mine.
i just think I understand mine better.
His grandpa died when he was 10
Mine died just a few months ago.
It makes me remember, or rather know,
that my wounds will never heal.
His tears make me love him more.
How could I have been so naive?

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 15:56:32 GMT

That touch was truly electrifying.
You are the subtle nuances of my life
Hiding in dark corners so I can't even see you.
I'll be terrified and awed when you finally show yourself.

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 16:37:00 GMT

Baby, you know I forgive you already and I know its not entirely your fault
But why didn't you protect me like you said you would?
Why didn't you help me?
How could you just sit there and watch?

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 06:18:51 GMT

I'm not mad at you at all, I just take it out that way.
In reality, I'm just mad that mine is nowhere near as enthusiastic as yours.
It makes me feel unwanted.

And I'm scared of losing you.

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 16:31:56 GMT

Yesterday Kevin and I got a bottle of 100 proof captain morgan.
It was our one month anniversary which we both only remembered because Tracy texted me lol. =]
I ended up vomiting by the end of the night, possibly too much physical exertion.

He told me he loves me.

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 01:27:07 GMT

I'm terrified of what you do.
My stomach screams just when I look at you.

Run far away so I can breathe
Even though you're far from suffocating me
I can't set my hopes too high
'Cause every hello ends with a goodbye

But you're so hypnotizing
You've got me laughing while I sing
You've got me smiling in my sleep
And I can see this unraveling
Your love is where I'm falling
But please don't catch me

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 18:58:49 GMT

I'm glad you put up with my bullshit
I'm sick of my paranoia and just being ill in general

I'm beyond happy I've finished yet another book.

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 18:56:42 GMT

I know that thing you do bothers me more than it should, but I'm coming to terms with it. I realize that the faults I see in you are the very things that make me like you so much.

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 05:06:24 GMT

I saw Killer today and what we did just shows me the reasons why I like him so much. We sat in my room and watched Family Guy (one of my favorite shows) and ate Wendys, Tbell, and BK while sippin on Monster. Then we got two jars together and went out to catch fireflies. We ended up seeing a lot but only catching one, which we named Jenkins. We brought him to another spot that had more light but there were none. We let Jenkins go and Jen came to hang out for a few minutes. Then we had nothing to do but we stood in the middle of his street and danced. And he was like, "Are you happy? You got me to dance even though I can't." He may not be able to dance like everyone else wants him to but I think he looks adorable. I just don't think hes ever done anything incredibly crazy before. I think I'm starting to shake him up a little bit and break him free from the everyday and mundane. He didn't even go to the fair before I came along. I made him go on most of the rides and he ended up liking some of them. Still he was afraid, but maybe he won't be next year. All I know is that I love how I can show him things that I consider completely normal and everyday and he can be utterly amused by them because its so different from what hes used to. All I want to do is dance with him in the middle of the street and tickle him and tackle him to the ground which seems to happen on a daily basis. I'm loving this.

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 07:54:54 GMT

I don't want to fall asleep without him.